Worry-Less, Worry-More

It’s funny. The longer I’m with the guy I’ve been dating, the less I worry about little things– does he like me? is the thinking about me? etc.  But I’ve noticed recently, that I begin to worry more about the fact that I’m not worrying about those little things.  Isn’t that a catch-22?  

I’m not worry about the moment-to-moment things, but I do worry that we’ve never had a fight. I worry that I don’t have anything to worry about. I worry about things that don’t matter, because some day they will– but I don’t even know if we’ll be together that someday.

Maybe I just need to accept that I’m a worrier.

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Together forever or Doomed to Break Up

I had a terrifying realization this weekend, which is funny that it scares me so much.  I realized that the guy I’m with now– we’ll either be together forever or we’ll have to break up one day.  Even scarier to realize, I determined I was hoping the latter option wouldn’t be the path chosen for us.

I have no idea how things turned out this way, but I can only pray that he feels the same way.  I know it’s early in our relationship, but they say you know within three months– and we’ve been dating for almost seven. 

The question is,now that I’ve realized this– how do I continue keeping things light and casual? Hmm….

You Saw Through Me.

Last night I was texting my boyfriends sister (okay, so we are still only dating– but let’s be real– after almost 7 months, he’s a boyfriend) and she randomly commented on how she has no idea how strong I can be and that I’m one of the strongest people she knows.  I was baffled– how could this girl who I’ve only really known for two weeks say such a thing?

Jokingly, I asked her what she meant– and she mentioned that the way I’ve supported her brother and waited to be with him while he battles the memories of his ex shows I’m stronger than most thing. I was baffled as to how she could see through all of that in such a short time. 

I answered her why it’s easy to wait for him and support him through it– Hope that things will work out, the believe that he’s worth it, the knowledge that he makes me happy and whole.  She was amazed that I could have that much faith. 

Maybe there’s a reason she and I get along so well? Maybe there’s a reason she can see through me and she knows me so well already? But then again… maybe that’s just me trying to get my hopes up that he’s the one for me?

Timing Is A Peculiar Thing

Sometimes it’s funny how timing of things works.

Recently I met the parents and sisters of the man I’m dating, they loved me and I loved them. I just “fit.” There’s been no pretending to be someone I’m not or them trying to make sure I like them or anything, they know how things are with their son and I and it just works. His baby sister and I have actually gotten close and talk almost daily now. 

More recently than meeting them, I’ve had a serious falling out with my own family. To be fair, it was something I could have predicted a long time before– I just wasn’t anticipating the match to be lit when it did or as heavy as the blow was.

Today it hit me how funny and perhaps fitting it is that as my own family is turning their backs to me, his family is opening their arms to me. 

Can Hope Float To High?

I’ve always been a huge believer in hope.  Maybe that’s why, while I hate romantic movies, I love Hope Floats. Birdie Calvert says in it that if you give hope a chance to float, it will– but can you let go and let it float too high?

If you let your hope float up and soak up more an more, can it become too high and too big?  I feel like I’ve lost control of my hopes for the guy I’m seeing and our relationship.  I like him, entirely, but at the same time I’m scared that my hopes are too big.

I’m not saying that I want to give up on the hopes with him, but I just want to reign them in a little bit. Is it possible to pull back hopes that are out too high?

Time To Smell The Roses

It’s been a crazy week for me– ups and downs and lots of time to reflect and think on my life and the people in it.

The week started with the news that a girl from college was in a very bad car accident, one that– frankly– she shouldn’t have survived, but she did and miraculously she’s already recovering from despite serious injuries.  The news of this accident hit many friends hard, but it did a few other things too.  It got us talking.  Some friends that I had lost touch with– we were talking again, sharing news with each other, praying together and even catching up.  Other friends, I was able to realize how hurt and lost I’d be if anything like this accident happened to them. My friends accident reminded me of the importance of people in my life and the love I have for them.  

The week continued with the guy I’m dating making plan for my birthday.  I have never in my life spent a birthday with a guy I’m dating… I have barely spent birthdays with friends.  I’ll be honest– my hopes were already sky high over this guy, but the idea of spending a birthday with him makes them a little higher. To me, it means he really isn’t going anywhere, any that maybe it’s okay to trust that for a while.

All in all this week has reminded me that the beauty is in the little things– not the big things. The world is very fast paced these days, but sometimes– we need to stop. We need to breathe. We need to stop and take a little time to smell the roses and enjoy their beauty.

Could Have Been Written From My Heart

There I was, driving down the road to my apartment after a nice workout…. when this song came on the radio I hadn’t heard before, so I turned it up.  Almost immediately the tears were welling up in my eyes as this song was speaking to me.

It was reminding me of everything I needed to remember about the guy I’m dating and why he isn’t ready for a relationship but at the same time it was everything I wish I could tell him about how I feel for him.  Songs are often referenced as a way of expressing what we can’t or to figure thing out we need help with.  But this song serves as a reminder for what I can’t let myself forget and also what I wish I could express.

Brad Paisley’s song “I Can’t Change The World” could have been written straight out of my heart, but hearing it on the radio lets me know that I’m not the first or the only to feel this way about someone who’s guarded their heart after a past heartbreak.

 

Lyrics to Brad Paisley’s “I Can’t Change The World”

A gun goes off in a far off city
A siren wails right here at home
Well sometimes life ain’t all that pretty
When you’re watching it all alone

You build a wall around your feelings
Just another heart afraid to break
And you don’t wanna let me in cause really
What difference can I make?

I can’t change the world
Baby, that’s for sure
But if you let me, girl
I can change yours
I bet I can change yours

So let Jesus look down on this mess
And let the powers that be just fuss and fight
Cause everyone needs to pick their battles and
We all realize

That I can’t change the world
Baby, that’s for sure
But if you let me, girl
I can change yours
I bet I can change yours

And every time you light a flame
You just get burned and you feel like
It’s all in vain
You feel like
You need to learn that no one’s gonna save you
No, no one’s gonna save you
But I’m standing here
My heart’s on my sleeve
Never gonna let you down
Never ever gonna leave you

Baby, that’s for sure
Oh I can’t change the world
But I can change yours
I bet I can change yours