This weekend was long and fast and hard. Since I started dating the guy I am, I’ve had one big fear– that I wouldn’t be able to measure up to the memories he has of his ex girlfriend. In his eyes, she was the one he was meant to spend the rest of his life with, she’s the one who got away. This weekend I came face to face with the fears as he let me know that they had been texting.
I should have stayed calm, feeling relieved that he wanted to tell me about it instead of doing it behind my back and keeping it a secret. I should have known to find out before reacting. However, I took the– why does he need to talk to her if I’m here in front of him route. After a weekend of self-doubt and deprecation and crying on my couch or on the running trail– he finally let me know I need to stop worrying about her and stop stressing. He reminded me that we are on the same page here and that she’s a part of his past and it’s just something that’s there.
I’m not saying my fear of her creeping back into his life or heart is gone, but I think this weekend was good in a way. He needed to remember that she hurt him so he can continue to let go and he needed to see that I wasn’t just going to get jealous and abandon him like she did.
I may be a fool setting myself up for hurt and a broken heart, but I’m risking that for something I believe could be really good.
I realized something yesterday– there’s a part of a relationship that has everything to do with your partner, but nothing at the same time. There’s a mental battle between the doubts and wonders and fear that creeps into your mind and the trust that the things they are telling you and actions they are showing you are true.
We all can doubt, what if the don’t want to hurt my feelings or if they are confused. We’re all scared to be hurt or to fall in love… but isn’t the real fear that we let our guard down? That we truly allow ourselves to get our hopes up and trust that this other person is being honest with us?
It’s a mental battle– and sometimes can be the highest hurdle in a relationship.
How many times do we ask ourselves or each other– “what if it doesn’t work out?” A LOT. But let me ask you, how many times do we ask ourselves or each other– “what if it does work?” I can tell you, I’ve rarely if ever asked that question.
I wonder if we doom ourselves and our relationships by asking the negative question, not the positive one? Does asking “what if it doesn’t work out?” force us to go into the relationship seeing the end? Taking precautions so that if and when it’s over we are somehow prepared for it? What would happen if we went into relationships asking “what if this works?” Would we have a greater chance of being happy in the relationship? Would there be a higher chance that things really would work out?
Share your story! Have you ever gone heads first into something thinking “it could work this time?” I want to know! Thoughts?
Recently, I decided to reach out to a younger girl who has started dating a friend of mine. I figured she and I would be seeing a good bit of each other, let’s try to see if we have anything in common.
WOW! I have no idea if it’s just that I’m 5 years older (not that I’m old) but that there is a lot of maturing done after the age of 20 and a lot more done after college graduation– so it feels like we are 15 years apart or if we really don’t have much in common… but I have never realized how young I was at 20 until these conversations with her.
I’ve realized how crazy and desperate we sound when we just want to talk to our friends about the guy we like or are dating. I also realized how crazy we have to sound to the guys we are liking or dating– so maybe it’s no wonder we run them away?
But I also realized how glad I am to know there are just some things I’d never say. Example? She mentioned how her boyfriend has been sick and she really didn’t want to leave him, but she knew he was in good hands– with his mother. Sweetie, you will NEVER take care of him as good as his mother does– period. The fact you even had this thought scares me for your mental help.
I don’t have guys or dating down, but I’m so glad I’ve passed the stages of a 20 year old in the dating arena and with my thoughts and feelings towards men.
Dear Future Boyfriend,
I am in no rush for us to be together. Yes, the sooner the better. But I know that we both have things to learn, feel, be hurt by, and do before we find our way to each other— things that must happen in order for us to happen.
You see, I trust that God has a plan for each of us. I know that he will make sure we are together how we are supposed to be together when the time is right and not a day sooner. It’s the knowledge and faith in his plan that doesn’t have me looking at the clock or calendar for you and I to be official.
I will not pressure our relationship or try to speed things a long. There’s no amount of time too long for me to wait for you– you and I will be together when the timing is right.
Your Future Girlfriend
This morning, as every morning, I read my horoscope for fun. Now and then they hit me as something I really need to hear– like this morning. It reminded me that all of the hard work and ambition in the world can’t get you everything, sometimes you can want things so badly that that attitude is what keeps you from having them. The horoscope reminded me that having a laid back attitude doesn’t mean you are giving up.
So of course, I applied this to my relationship with the boy I’m “casually dating.” I truly believe that if things are meant to be, they’ll be– especially in relationships. So why do I try so hard to make sure they work? I wonder if that is exactly what I’ve always been doing wrong– I’ve been trying to force things to work out. I really do have strong feelings for this boy, so it’s time to be laid back about it.
I’m trusting the Lord that if things are meant to be, they’ll be. (I can’t promise there won’t be an occasional freak out where I don’t try to make them work or understand why they aren’t, etc.– that’s going to be a hard habit to break)
As women, why do we string things out? It’s clear he’s not that into you– yet we find ways to make it work in our minds. He tells you he wants to be friends, you’ve got another prospect– yet we feel the need to tell him? Why? Why string things out when they don’t need to be?
For example, I have a friend who was friendzoned by a guy, then when another man wanted to hangout with her– she asked me if she should tell the first guy she’s going to act like they are just friends now. NO! He clearly knows y’all are just friends.
In women’s minds so many times, it’s not as cut and dry– so we assume that the man feels the same. He wants to be friends, so leave it there. Dragging it out and telling him about this other guy is a futile attempt to make him jealous and makes you look all desperate to cling on. You might not want the second guy and still be begging for another chance with the first– but ignore that feeling and let the friendzoned guy go.