Sometimes it’s funny how timing of things works.
Recently I met the parents and sisters of the man I’m dating, they loved me and I loved them. I just “fit.” There’s been no pretending to be someone I’m not or them trying to make sure I like them or anything, they know how things are with their son and I and it just works. His baby sister and I have actually gotten close and talk almost daily now.
More recently than meeting them, I’ve had a serious falling out with my own family. To be fair, it was something I could have predicted a long time before– I just wasn’t anticipating the match to be lit when it did or as heavy as the blow was.
Today it hit me how funny and perhaps fitting it is that as my own family is turning their backs to me, his family is opening their arms to me.
Men– women are going to over-stress and over-think and over-analyze in pretty much every way you can imagine. The key to stopping this isn’t telling her not to worry, it’s not being vague. Make sure you tell her everything about the subject so she doesn’t have to wonder what you meant, or what someone thought or how you feel or whatever.
She’d rather be a little let down and disappointed than spend hours, days, or weeks worrying about whatever is going on.
This weekend was long and fast and hard. Since I started dating the guy I am, I’ve had one big fear– that I wouldn’t be able to measure up to the memories he has of his ex girlfriend. In his eyes, she was the one he was meant to spend the rest of his life with, she’s the one who got away. This weekend I came face to face with the fears as he let me know that they had been texting.
I should have stayed calm, feeling relieved that he wanted to tell me about it instead of doing it behind my back and keeping it a secret. I should have known to find out before reacting. However, I took the– why does he need to talk to her if I’m here in front of him route. After a weekend of self-doubt and deprecation and crying on my couch or on the running trail– he finally let me know I need to stop worrying about her and stop stressing. He reminded me that we are on the same page here and that she’s a part of his past and it’s just something that’s there.
I’m not saying my fear of her creeping back into his life or heart is gone, but I think this weekend was good in a way. He needed to remember that she hurt him so he can continue to let go and he needed to see that I wasn’t just going to get jealous and abandon him like she did.
I may be a fool setting myself up for hurt and a broken heart, but I’m risking that for something I believe could be really good.
I realized something yesterday– there’s a part of a relationship that has everything to do with your partner, but nothing at the same time. There’s a mental battle between the doubts and wonders and fear that creeps into your mind and the trust that the things they are telling you and actions they are showing you are true.
We all can doubt, what if the don’t want to hurt my feelings or if they are confused. We’re all scared to be hurt or to fall in love… but isn’t the real fear that we let our guard down? That we truly allow ourselves to get our hopes up and trust that this other person is being honest with us?
It’s a mental battle– and sometimes can be the highest hurdle in a relationship.
I sat in my new apartment last night, on my new sectional drinking bedtime tea… that’s when it hit me. I’m just blessed. I’ve got some really great people in my life, a great job with amazing co-workers, I’m healthy and improving my fitness constantly. I’m even dating a guy who I truly care about and genuinely think things could work out with– he even lets me know there’s a future with us.
How’d I get so lucky?